1 - Why we got angry?
We got angry when something frustrates to us: from something as small as an obstacle of transit to a threat physical integrity or my honor. The reasons are multifaceted and the intensity degrees also, but all have a common element: underneath each anger there is a frustration.

2 - Fulfills some function the anger?
We see an example: A friend promised to me that he would give back a book to me and when he arrives says to me that he forgot. My desire to reclaim the book is frustrated and that frustrated desire becomes anger. The essential function of the anger is to give more energy me to face the obstacle that produces my frustration. The fundamental subject is here if I have learned to canalize that force suitably, or no. That learning is one of the most significant tasks that the human beings we needed to realize.

3 - From where arises the idea that getting angry he is something bad?
It arises from everything what generally we do when we do not know to channel the energy of the anger. I like to mention a phrase of Aurelio Frame, that in the century ll said: “At the most laborious they are the consequences of the anger that the causes produced that it”. She is very beautiful and it synthesizes very well what is the inadequate use of that energy. Therefore it is fundamental that we distinguish two types of anger: the anger that destroy and the anger that solves. The idea that we have of the anger as something bad is from the anger that destroys, that is, lamentably, the way more frequent than we must to anger to us. But that is why it is good for knowing that is not the unique form of the anger.

4 - In what one is different from the other?
We return to the example of the book that my friend did not bring. The anger that I feel I can channel it in two great directions. I can say to him: Sos an egoist, always the same irresponsible… sos false one… in you cannot be trusted…! In that case I have used my anger to hurt, to punish and to make undergo friend reason why it did. When I do that, it is not by badness. It is because I believe that to feel and to express anger it is thus: to insult, to punish and to make suffer. When I react that way, the other, in this case my friend who feels wounded reason why I said to him, responds, generally with another offense: And you always the same authoritarian one, think that all we are your slaves, sos a tyrant one! Also he remembers other situations to me in which hurt I it and she says to me: Irresponsible egoistic you sos and the manipulating one. Sos a hypocrite! And thus we followed, of insult in insult. The intensity continues growing, every time we hurt more, and in the short while both we are hurt and we suffered. No wants to know more nothing with the other…. and the book I did not recover it. This it is an example of the typical anger that destroys. It is very common to hear after a great fight in which all have been very hurt: Why it was that this discussion began?

5 - How it is the anger that solves?
There I direct that extra of energy on the obstacle that frustrates to me. In this same example I can say friend to him, with all the intensity with it feels which it: Very I am frustrated and angry. You promised that you were going to me to bring the book and I had him. I need it. We are going to see how me you can approach. Or flames to somebody it brings so that it or we called to a mail. Look what it is happened to you…! And there I remain waiting for and demanding an answer. When I concentrate my energy in that direction the anger fulfills its intention essential: to give more energy me to try to solve the obstacle that frustrates to me. This type of anger leans in two pillars: to express what I feel before which happened and to demand the answer that “would soothe to me”. To express the frustration and the anger that to me the situation produces is necessary for me, to relieve what it happens to me and it is necessary for the other, so that can know what it happens to me before which it did, because that is in addition one to the motors will help that to change it their attitude. When how much it bothers to a person my unpunctuality to him that is something that helps me to it considers that it and arranges to me to try to be more precise. To express what I feel does not mean to judge to the other. They are two very different answers that are necessary to learn to distinguish with clarity. A thing that is to say: I am very angry reason why you did! and very different other that is to say: Sos a sweepings, sos destructive, a bad person, a nastiness! etc. In last instance the essence of the anger that solves is to autoafirmar itself with clarity, force and respect. And for that it is necessary to disqualify neither to offend, nor to insult. I concentrate myself in the action that frustrates to me and demand a solution.

6 - What happens when it cannot have repair in the present?
For example when somebody arrives behind schedule, it leaves one hour hoping and that does not have adjustment because already it happened. In that case which one can do is, besides saying what feels, to orient the demand towards the future. To generate some agreement so that it does not return to happen. The key is to discover in each case the situation that would soothe to me. I suggest my students who when an anger is intense confuse and them are formulated the following question: what would have to happen here so that my anger stops? That question has the virtue to focus the mind on the central point of the question that is indeed how that problem is solved that angers to me.

7 - What happens when the person with that I am angry is somebody to that I want?
Much people think that if I have affection to him to a person I cannot get angry with her, that I must close the eyes and let pass because she is: or the affection or the anger. And in fact it is not thus, is rather quite the opposite. One of the things that more aid to make the anger decisive is to express the anger warmly. It can seem an unsalvable contradiction in itself but it is not thus, is simply to remember, when that is the situation, that the person with whom I am angry is somebody to that, in addition, I have affection to him. Then one goes of: “Because I have to him affection I cannot be angered” to “because I feel that I have to him affection is that him I can express my anger I feel when it”.

8 - How to react before the anger of the others?
When one learned to get angry respectfully and it does, account with more clarity occurs how it is the anger of the other: if he is decisive or destructive (or how much there is of each). Then it can distinguish what really starts off can have in that anger and that repair requires and how much there is of judgment, offense or I mistreat, that is part of the immaturity and the ignorance of that gets angry thus. When I establish that distinction already I am in better conditions of not being put under the destructive way of the anger of the other.

9 - Which is the cause of the explosive and out of proportion anger with the situation?
That is the subject of the accumulation of the anger. When one did not learn to express the anger tends to retain it, and it is accumulated. Then some smaller situation activates the accumulated anger and leaves sometimes with an out of proportion intensity that disturbs the other, and also to one same one. By this it is good for being up-to-date with the angers, but for that it is necessary to have learned to express them of a decisive way. If no, inevitably one tends to be silent from fear of complicating plus the things.

10 - What happens when the anger is with one same one?
One does not get angry with itself of a global way if not with some part of himself, for example: the uncertain, timid, demanding part, etc. Therefore first are to discover whereupon own part I am angry. He is useful to imagine that part is opposite and expressing the anger to him I feel as it. In the inner universe the anger also can be destructive or decisive. The best way to know it is to put itself in the place of that received that anger and to observe how it feels when hearing it: if destroyed or helped. If one feels destroyed, the task is clear: to learn to anger to me with her of a way like that anger expresses my discord to him of a way enriches that it stimulates and it to evolve in the wished direction. That learning is the best departure point to apply it later in the deal with the other and is, in last instance the essence of the Psychological Self-help, that consists indeed of learning to relate to me to the part of me whom I do not like of a way genuinely helps that it to become.

Norberto Levy